I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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