im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
