saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
