My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
