He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
