It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
