You smell like a Billy Joel song
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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