I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think my moral compass just broke
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
