I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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