Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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