Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
