I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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