i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
