Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
