the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
