I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
