Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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