thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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