Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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