Tell her she can't have a vagina
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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