Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
