I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
