just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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