I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
