I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
