First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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