Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
