if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So gin and wine won't be happening again
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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