trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
