He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
