Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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