shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
