i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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