sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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