I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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