WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
