just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
