Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
