Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm at about main and main street
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
