my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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