The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
