Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
