a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
