Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
