Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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