If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
