made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
