i wish there were pregnant emoticons
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
