we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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