you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
