im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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