Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
